By: Kathleen Roberts
Once upon a time on the middle coast
lived a man who felt his heart did hurt the most.
All he wanted was a lady and to make her his baby,
and from lack of sex this dude had gone a little bit crazy.
So our guy took up a hobby that his neighbors disliked:
ridin’ naked up and down the streets of town on his bike.
Well the cops were called by the Neighborhood Watch,
who described a cyclist exposing his crotch.
By the time that the police cruiser had tracked his crack down
and brought him in, it turned out he had burned his shack down,
so with no home, no clothes, and no girl either,
he lay in jail and giggled till he had a seizure.
They took him to the Psych Ward at the hospital,
but for male roommates it turned out that the place was full.
So they put him in a double with this crazy bitch,
who explained that in her brain at the center was an itch,
so she’d often try to insert sharpened rods in her temples,
a habit met with horror and grief by her parentals.
She’d been living here a month when her roommate suicided
by stockpiling muscle relaxants she was provided.
The fella in question said Ya got a pretty face,
and pretty soon the two were locked in loony embrace.
After half an hour of our main man’s persistent urgin’,
the girl confessed with eyes aside that she was a virgin.
Our protagonist said Well perhaps a lover’s touch
will extract from your brain that itch you hate so much.
The girl said Oh, hey boy, maybe you’re right,
so they rocked her metal bedframe all through the night.
In the morning when they woke she found the itch was gone,
and he could tell his sanity was turned back on.
Pretty soon their discharge was approved by a doctor
and they moved into a lovely little home in Proctor.
Now the moral of the story, as the story went,
is that all you need is love to get yourself unbent.
